Old People © Dave Hurt 2003
My first official writing for the Mental eXtreme articles section, I don't write too well and I have a very different mind than that of a normal human being, so please bear with me whilst I try to lay my thoughts down on the following issues.
If I had the choice to never grow old, wrinkly and slightly saggy...which I would of course, being there are plenty of places to commit suicide without required help from another person...I'd say "How about NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Now I know it's rude to eavesdrop but have you ever listened to the pointless wank which arises throughout the mumblings and conversations of the elderly, might I add whilst sitting on the bus, merely attempting to arrive at your desired location? One rather harsh, sharp but incredibly short word here for you, well, piece of advice one might say... "don't". It'll be the worst experience of your life and you'll probably never want to take the bus to wherever it was that you were going, EVER AGAIN!!!
Do you really want to listen to some 72 year old biddys whinging and moaning on about how they went to Blackpool? Seeing their facial expressions is funny enough as they enter their own world, but more about that later. They talk of how they saw Eamon Holmes or however you spell his shitty name; do people really want to know? Also, one wonders...does the other person that this old knack sack is attempting to converse with, want to know that she saw his arse or seized a kiss from his old dying mouldy lips? No little donkey, I THINK NOT!!!
About the facial expressions, I believe this is a sign that all old people are so far up their own arses they'll believe anything if their head says it to them...
Head: "HAHA you're nearly dead"
Old: "No I'm not...I have a caravan"
Head: "Play the game you old sack"
Old: "Oh, yes I am, I must be now I come to think of it, maybe Jesus told
me? "
Sorry for the bad religious reference there, but I might write about my weird views on that later, they just believe anything which is Jesus-like.
"Ma'am, I saw Jesus wearing Nike Air Max, don't you think that's a little hypocritical, with the whole slavery thing?"
"Listen you, who won the war? We invented tea cosies..."
"Shut up, you didn't invent the hat you daft bastard, you invented social rage when you first started queuing for the post office at 6 in the morning when you knew damn well it's not open till 10:30...wanted to be first didn't ya, you selfish cow...."
The average speed of an old person is around 2mph, lets make it more realistic people.....doesn't it feel like 0.75 miles per hour when your stuck behind one of the stupid rib ticklers in a queue or more importantly...when you're in a major rush? It's ridiculous...you go one way, and then they go the exact same way...you attempt to outsmart them, go the other way, then go back on yourself so you can squeeze past em, but no!!!! It still doesn't get you past 'em; you've gotta bribe them by installing a tea shop at the end of every street so that they can stay inside and not be a menace to public society.
If you knew how to drive, or you do...how pissed off would you be if you were running late for work and you were merrily driving along the street and some old biddy-mobile pulled out and nearly caused your death and the death of others...not to mention your family. Sheer ridiculousness, hurrah to the old peoples homes...piss palaces where you can go in, piss on the floor and not get told off cuz they extract as much money as possible from you before letting you go and then before you know it, *smack* dead.
It's the same with old people and sports cars, well any car really. They drive at 2mph, cause roadblocks, accidents and road rage, then they wonder why the rest of the generations within the country (any) are always so pissed off at them...
Wrinkles on legs use sticks not wheels of steel that fear the real, the new doesn't suit the old, back to basics for biddies and a path of righteousness for the new generations...the people of tomorrow.
ROCK ON!!!