Townies...Taking Over Britain © Niall Fleming 2003
- The Townie
- A strange creature, looks vaguely like a normal humanoid, but the
differences are anything but subtle. Visually it is easier to tell
if a girl is a townie than it is for a boy. The female townie can
be recognised in 3 different ways, they may exhibit just one of these,
but most exhibit all 3 conditions:
1) She will be wearing extremely skimpy and undoubtably branded clothing, with huge hoop earrings and probably a £180 pair of rockports on her feet, and behave in an overly flirtacious manner, i.e. sticking her breasts in your face, groping you in the corridor, or just generally going with you because you looked sad or alone. A townie will pay any amount of money for a piece of clothing if it meets 2 criteria: a) hardly covers any part of their body & b) has a brand name, so they can call it cool. In truth it looks tacky and like crap.
2) The hair, when the bobble or hair clip is removed, the hair will not move. As it will have been sprayed rock solid with at least a can and a half of hair-spray or 'air spr-eh in townie speak, and the perfume - she will reek of some kind of brand named fragrance, even though most of them smell like piss they will buy it because it's Tommy Hilfiger or whatever.
3) Finally the speech, don't even try to understand it, it will undoubtably and inevitably sound like "eyaaaaaaaaa!" no matter what they are actually trying to say, on the off chance that you might catch a real word in the midst of the chaotic townie tongue, it will be so far removed from how any normal person would pronounce it that you will be hard pushed to figure it out as in the example of hair spray='air spr-eh. You may also notice a hell of a lot of tutting, this is just their seldom used brains clicking on and off, if this happens too often, then RUN, they *will* explode!
The male townie is slightly harder to spot, again with the clothing anything with a brand name - most likely Thomas Burberry and the standard townie Rockports. Hair will be gelled and generally look stupid, but they'll believe it's cool because David Beckham's got it... Their speech is generally less impedimented but the tutting and "eyaaaaaaaaa!"-ing is common to both sexes.
Another distinguishing feature is the cocky manner in which the male townie behaves, believing that all girls will find him attractive, and for the townie girls this is inevitably true, because they would have sex with a traffic cone if it looked at them in the right way, which is any way at all to be honest. But however for the more discerning woman, i.e. one who isn't a townie, she will be repulsed by his materialistic ways and notice his distinct lack of taste in clothing and sheep-like purchasing habits.
Unfortunately the townie is becoming all too common in Britain's streets and especially the back alleys, where the townie female can be spotted playing with several townie males genitalia. The underage townies will sit on war memorials in the pouring rain - yes even in all that skimpy clothing - with their bottle of WKD (or wick-id in the townie tongue) in one hand and a fag in the other, yes almost all townies smoke, mostly tobacco, but many are now smoking the wacky baccy (cannebis/pot) instead. The post 18-year old townies, can be found in nightclubs, doing crap dance moves to some trance / house / rap / garage / pop (aka shit) music, and generally they will have taken 'an E', or in normal speech, an ecstasy tablet or two to enhance the disco experience, more likely it takes their mind off how crap the music they are listening to really is, and makes them more suggestible to the male townie, who will try and take advantage of their bodies, having sex with them while in a toilet, laying aside risks of STDs etc., then the townie girl becomes pregnant, and this may happen several times a year in a townie girl's life, leaving her to bring up several townie children, carrying on this appalling race of things.
So I say lock up the townies, ban their shit music, put them on psychotropic drugs so they can be made to think that they've been in a coma for the last 10 years or so, and then rehabilitate them so that they can function as normal people and finally reinsert them back into society to become useful members, instead of worthless pieces of man/woman meat. It may not happen in my lifetime but something must be done. Else the human race is doomed...